Well, its that time of year again. The holidays are fast approaching and all around I see signs of christmas. This is going to be the first year that I will not have my momma around. Last year was very hard. She was so sick and couldn’t get out of bed. Christmas wasn’t exactly christmas as usual. There wasn’t a grand tree in the living room and there weren’t presents. Instead, we just spent quiet time by my mothers bed and prayed that she would recover. My mother loved christmas. It was her favorite time of year. 

With the whirlwind that is my life, I haven’t had a lot of time lately to reflect on the fact that I won’t have her with me this year. But today I started my holiday traditions with a little baking and it hit me that I am the one that has to carry on these traditions since my mother won’t be doing it as well this year. My heart began to ache.

But then something funny happened. Just when I was starting to feel a wave of saddness wash over me, my little girl kicked and my thoughts went immediatly to her. In that moment, I knew that I was now the momma and I was the one that has to pass on these traditions to her and to give her the wonderful childhood and memories and love that my mother gave me. So, this year, I dedicate Christmas to my mother and my daughter. I feel a sense of purpose and a feeling of obligation that I am still getting use to. I have always been the baby girl to my momma and now, without her around and my daughter on the way, I am the momma and waiting for my baby girl.

Its funny how life keeps the cycle going. No matter what we do, life goes on. The world doesn’t stop for my broken heart. But now the pain doesn’t hurt as much with the love I am already feeling for my baby girl. And on that day when she is born, I know my mother will be watching over me and smiling.

Here is a picture of me and my momma when I was a little girl.